We've been in Louisville for almost 8 months now...and I'm still horrible at updating this thing. Honestly, I have probably been avoiding it a little too. Writing has always been a way for me to get my feelings, anger, stress, joy, and all other emotions out. It's been a way that I have been able to be honest with myslef and others. I can remember as a little girl, when I would get into trouble, I would write my mom a letter of apology instead of telling her. I also remember when Joshua and I were about to get married, we were looking into moving away from Brownwood. I was okay with it for a while, but I had this deep longing to finish my Social Work degree at HPU. It was a deep longing that I couldn't express with audible words, so I wrote him a letter. When I speak, I can't seem to get my words to flow correctly in the way I want them to. When I write, I feel like my words come out the way they should.
Writing, in my mind, also makes something permanent. I tend to lie to myself and say that things don't exist unless they're written down. That's why my journals are so sacred to me; I process things for days until I write them, because once they're written there's no turning back. It's done. Well, I haven't sat down and really honestly written since we moved. I haven't even written in my journal. I guess I have been struggling with the move more than I thought. I haven't wanted this move to be real or permenant, if I were completely honest. Sure, I have enjoyed our time here, but deep inside I thought maybe God would say, "just kidding! Go back home now! Live in Texas forever!" As much as I would enjoy that, I am coming to the realization that I would rather be where Jesus calls. I have said that with my lips before, but I am starting to believe it with my heart, as painful as it is to live 800 miles from my family.
God has called us to Louisville for this season and I am starting to accept it. Not just accept it, but enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it. My new job has probably helped with that. I am doing a job I love. I am working for Lifeline Children's Services writing Home Studies for prospective adoptive parents. What a joy it's been already! I am assisting families in bringing home precious children.
As much as I love my job, it hit me like a ton of bricks while driving back from Texas....I have a HUGE responsibility here! These precious children, some of which haven't even been born yet, are indirectly placed in my responsibility. Obviously, I am not the sole decididing factor on whether or not these children are placed with specific families, but I am reccomending these adults as suitable care takers for those who have no voice. What a responsibility and a blessing! How can I make clear decisions and write clear home studies if I am ignoring God and pouting for taking us to Kentucky? Lyndsey, wake up!
I have been so selfish the whole time in Louisville. I have been selfish because I have only been thinking of myself. How could he bring ME here? How do I create a life here? How can you make ME happy here? What are you going to do for ME? ME ME ME!!! I am so sick of hearing about ME! I want to hear about HIM! I want to hear about how He can help these precious families! I'm so lucky to be His vessel in this way!
I am leaning into Jesus now. I am not running and hiding from Him any longer. This is my first step of obedience...writing.
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