Hope Amidst The Fear

I wrote this entry originally for the blog at work. About 3 times a week there is a new blog post on the website written by a different staff member. It is so neat to see how the Lord is working in over 100 different staff members in 9 different states. Every 6 months or so I get an email in my inbox saying that it is my turn to post something... Everytime I get writing block and can't figure out what I want to write about. This time I took the whole 2 weeks arguing with God because I knew exactly what I was supposed to write. I had known that I wanted to post a blog about our two precious children, but I didn't know how to go about it. I have felt so much healing through writing the blog post that I wanted to post it here too. I still don't have it all together and I still don't understand why we are walking through this, but it's our story and I hope it encourages someone else.

Hope Amidst The Fear
In times of spiritual drought I have always been most encouraged by the personal stories of other believers. I find something so beautiful about the way that the Lord uses other people’s trials in my life to encourage me in my walk with Him. I have always struggled with thinking my story could help someone else. I have believed the lie many times that my story is not significant and even that the Lord can’t use my story to encourage others. If I do feel the Lord leading me to share my story, I often times believe the lie that I have to have everything resolved before I share my story, that all the loose ends have to be tied up and a ‘Happy Ever After’ written at the end of the storybook. I am coming to realize that these lies are not truth. For the past two or three weeks I have been feeling the Lord calling me to share my most recent trials in some way. How convenient that around the time the Lord started calling me to this task, I was informed that it was my turn to post on the Lifeline blog. So, here I am stepping out in faith. I pray that my story will encourage someone who reads this. I don’t have it all together. My story does not have a ‘Happy Ever After’ written in yet. I am still battling the hurt, pain, and grief. I am still working through the fear and anxiety. But, here is my story.

In April of 2012, my husband and I were shocked to find out that we were expecting our first child. I about fell over when I read the positive result on the pregnancy test, and he was just as shocked when I told him the good news. After the initial shock wore off, we were as tickled as we could be and immediately started planning for how our lives would change in 9 months. Unfortunately, at our 11 week appointment we found out that God had taken our little “Peanut” to be with Him in glory. I remember leaving the doctor’s office broken, numb, and confused. Our doctor was still hopeful and was not worried about our future pregnancies since miscarriages happen to a lot of women. A few months later, we found ourselves in the same state of shock and excitement when we found out we were pregnant with our little “Jelly Bean”. Our hearts were hopeful that this pregnancy would end in a healthy and happy baby. We went to our first appointment at six weeks and everything looked perfect just like it had before. As we approached the 11 week mark I became very fearful and anxious. My fears and anxieties were intensified when at the same appointment as before; our doctor could not find our sweet baby’s heartbeat. We went to the ultrasound room where our fears were confirmed. We had lost our second child. In the months following the loss of our precious children I have found myself in a state of fear, uneasiness, and anxiety.

I’m sure these feelings are common, as well, in the adoption, foster care, and orphan care community. Whether there is grief over a lost referral, fear in the unknown of the adoption process, or anxiety over troubled children from the foster care system in your home. Or, maybe just like us, you have struggled with pregnancy and now there is fear in looking to the next steps. So many times our fear stems out of a lack of trust in the One who created us. We have a lack of trust that He truly cares for us and wants good for us. A lack of trust that He is going to walk with us through our hurt and grief and fear; a fear that He is going to leave us in that dark place forever.

This topic of fear has been a common theme in our home the past few months, and my husband has been such an encouragement through this time. I read an excerpt from a book he has been reading and one quote particularly stood out to me.

“You have to begin to trust that your experience of emptiness is not the final experience, that beyond it is a place where you are being held in love.” Henri Nouwan

The truth is that God is not going to leave us in our hurt and pain. Even if on this side of eternity our life is thorns and thistles; He has a magnificent place in Heaven saved for us. A place where there are no more tears or pain. No more hurt or grief. No more miscarriages, hurting children, or orphans. This brings us so much hope.

I am so grateful that Heaven, in all its glory, is the only place that our two babies will ever know and call home.

“Now we see things imperfectly, like reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now us partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

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Well....I guess it's permanent now...

We've been in Louisville for almost 8 months now...and I'm still horrible at updating this thing. Honestly, I have probably been avoiding it a little too. Writing has always been a way for me to get my feelings, anger, stress, joy, and all other emotions out. It's been a way that I have been able to be honest with myslef and others. I can remember as a little girl, when I would get into trouble, I would write my mom a letter of apology instead of telling her. I also remember when Joshua and I were about to get married, we were looking into moving away from Brownwood. I was okay with it for a while, but I had this deep longing to finish my Social Work degree at HPU. It was a deep longing that I couldn't express with audible words, so I wrote him a letter. When I speak, I can't seem to get my words to flow correctly in the way I want them to. When I write, I feel like my words come out the way they should.

Writing, in my mind, also makes something permanent. I tend to lie to myself and say that things don't exist unless they're written down. That's why my journals are so sacred to me; I process things for days until I write them, because once they're written there's no turning back. It's done. Well, I haven't sat down and really honestly written since we moved. I haven't even written in my journal. I guess I have been struggling with the move more than I thought. I haven't wanted this move to be real or permenant, if I were completely honest. Sure, I have enjoyed our time here, but deep inside I thought maybe God would say, "just kidding! Go back home now! Live in Texas forever!" As much as I would enjoy that, I am coming to the realization that I would rather be where Jesus calls. I have said that with my lips before, but I am starting to believe it with my heart, as painful as it is to live 800 miles from my family.

God has called us to Louisville for this season and I am starting to accept it. Not just accept it, but enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it. My new job has probably helped with that. I am doing a job I love. I am working for Lifeline Children's Services writing Home Studies for prospective adoptive parents. What a joy it's been already! I am assisting families in bringing home precious children.

As much as I love my job, it hit me like a ton of bricks while driving back from Texas....I have a HUGE responsibility here! These precious children, some of which haven't even been born yet, are indirectly placed in my responsibility. Obviously, I am not the sole decididing factor on whether or not these children are placed with specific families, but I am reccomending these adults as suitable care takers for those who have no voice. What a responsibility and a blessing! How can I make clear decisions and write clear home studies if I am ignoring God and pouting for taking us to Kentucky? Lyndsey, wake up!

I have been so selfish the whole time in Louisville. I have been selfish because I have only been thinking of myself. How could he bring ME here? How do I create a life here? How can you make ME happy here? What are you going to do for ME? ME ME ME!!! I am so sick of hearing about ME! I want to hear about HIM! I want to hear about how He can help these precious families! I'm so lucky to be His vessel in this way!

I am leaning into Jesus now. I am not running and hiding from Him any longer. This is my first step of obedience...writing.

In reality, I'm the blind one

Joshua and I have been in Louisville for 2 months. And boy, what a two months it's been. I have learned so much already about marriage and myself.

I am surprising myself everyday at how well I am actually adjusting here in this new place 800 miles away from all familiarity. I keep thinking that maybe I'm still in denial and that any day now the sobs, tears, and all the snot that come with them will fall freely from my eyes and nose, but it hasn't happened yet.

I think I have actually surprised Joshua too. I'm sure he's happy that he hasn't come home to me crying while eating bon bons and skyping with my family.

It's been different "church shopping". I have never not been a part of a church. Even while in college, I found a church quickly and got involved. We have been searching since we got here and we think we have finally found one.

The churches here in Louisville are amazing, and we find ourselves having to base our decision on preference rather than hard doctrine. That's a weird feeling. I feel so picky and selfish for trying to base a decision so big on something as simple as worship style. But like I said, the churches here are amazing.

All that to say, we went to visit on church about a month ago. We loved the church and up until last week, it was in the running to be our home church here in Louisville. While sitting in the service God taught me something, not through the sermon, but through observation.

The church is right down the street from a School for the Blind; because of that, I began to notice that there were a lot of blind people in the congregation. There were enough that the church provided song sheets in brail and bulletins in brail.

While at the church, I wasn't expecting to be taught as much as I was; I didn't bring my journal like I usually do. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person because I wrote from cover to cover on my bulletin. I could've waited until I got home to write in my journal, but I couldn't hold it in; I had to write down what I was experiencing somewhere.

Here's what I wrote in my bulletin,

"I have been so blessed this morning by the blind man in the next pew. Even if Joshua and I don't end up here, I will cherish the way Christ spoke to me through this man who has no earthly sight. My first thought was pity. I felt pity for all that things he was missing. He can't see a rainbow, the trees, the grass, the color blue, or green, or the mountains, lakes or hills. As I kept watching, I began to feel jealous. I became jealous because even though he has no eartly sight, he probably has more heavenly sight than I will ever know this side of Heaven. Every word, phrase, or song he sings he gets to focus solely on Jesus because he isn't distracted by all of the earthly sights. He doesn't have to worry about the looks he may be getting for how loudly he's singing. He can't see all of the other distractions I see in times of worship. I wonder if God gives the blind sight of trees, grass, and colors in their purest form, as they were in the Garden of Eden. I wonder if he shows the blind more of his glory because he knows they won't miss it. As I watched him worship, following along with his fingers on the brail song sheet I realized he isn't the blind one, I am."

I have thought about this man several times in the last month and it leads me to worship. He will never know how much he blessed me.

Laundry...

I went for the first time on Sunday to do laundry for the loving husband and me. I know it's been a month since we have been married and this is the first time I'm doing laundry... so sue me.

Our apartments do not have washer and dryer connections and the laundromat at the complex is well....gross.

So Sunday, I forwent my regularly scheduled sunday afternoon nap and headed out with 2 laundry baskets FULL of clothes. I went to one of the laundromats in town. It was nice and air conditioned. The only downfall is the cost! Ridiculous!!!!

Anyway, I didn't come to blog about my frustrations in the Sunday afternoon laundry doing....I came to blog about the personal interaction I had while there.

I was sitting waiting on the clothes to dry (after putting my body weight in quarters in the machine) and this hispanic husband and wife came in. The woman came and sat next to me and began to speak to me in very broken english. My first thought was "I have no money to give you!" The whole time she was talking I was watching my stuff very closely. I was making sure her husband wasn't coming around stealing my stuff while she was distracting me with her broken english. I know I am an awful person! This blog is all about honesty though. We talked for about 15 minutes. She asked if I was a "Study" meaning student, She told me about her nephews and nieces, her sons and "como se dice hijas" translated to daughters. It was hard to understand her, but I listened anyway. All the while thinking.... "I have no more quarters because the dryers ate them all!"

My clothes finally dried and as I took the clothes out of the dryer I kept a steady eye on my stuff...I went over to the folding table and began folding. I placed me purse on the table in plain sight so that she or her husband wouldn't take it! Again, AWFUL I know!

I noticed that when their clothes finished washing they folded them up and took them out without drying them.

They left the building and got in the car. Well almost....The wife came back in just before getting in the car...She walked up to me as I thought "Here we go..." I was ready to say "I have no money"

To my surprise she didn't come back in to ask for money....She didn't come back in to steal my stuff either.

She walked over to me patted me on the back and said "Bye."

That's it... "Bye."

It was one word that carried so much weight. She just wanted to talk to me! She wanted someone to talk to. All I did was suspect her as a thief or pan handler. I missed a chance to have a wonderful conversation with a woman who needed a friend all because I was worried about my stupid stuff.

Wow.

The First 2 weeks of Matrimony

Well it's been two weeks since the big day!

It's so weird to me that we spent 8 months planning, waiting, and preparing for 1 day. One day that honestly, I don't remember a whole lot about. It was a good one day. I had a couple of breakdowns because that "one day" was over and now I was married. Marriage is wonderful and I love it, but holy smokes it's different! Living with a boy is weird! Luckily I snagged one of the cleaner ones.

It's also weird that we have been married for 2 weeks and will be married for another 80 years! ha ha so good!

I have used the phrase "welcome to marriage honey!" a lot over the past 2 weeks. It's become a joke in the apartment. Like when Joshua took out the bathroom trash after a certain week with a look of disgust on his face (TMI? sorry.) I was eager to chime in with "welcome to marriage honey!"

I hope to make this blog actually have a purpose now....hopefully it will become a place that I can tell my marriage stories on. Not that many people read it, but that's okay!

Why do we ever doubt?!

Jesus is GOOD! Oh my word He is so good! In my last post I talked about the "ideal" situation for next semester! God ALWAYS has way bigger plans!

My dad drives the bus with a lady who's ex-husband works at the Ford dealership in town. He talked to her a while back and asked if there were any job openings there for his jobless-soon-to-be-son-in-law. She checked with her ex husband (whom she still has dinner with...awkward....but good in this case) and he said there wasn't anything. My dad went back and told her the sob story of the daughter who would be commuting 90 minutes 3 days a week. She told him she'd check again. Well my dad called this weekend and said "Joshua has a job interview at the Ford dealership on Monday morning."

At about 10 this morning my sweet sweet fiance brought me my power cord to my computer on his way to the interview. He looked absolutely handsome in his polo and slacks. I prayed for him before he drove away. In 2o minutes he called back and said "Guess what!" This has got to be good!!!! Sure enough good news FINALLY reached my ears! There is a strong possibility that they will be offering Joshua a job doing something with internet sales and support! I don't understand the logistics of it but all I know is it is FULL TIME and on SALARY and the occasional COMMISSION! They will meet again Wednesday to talk about $$$$$ and details. Oh and he would start IMMEDIATELY meaning we'd have some money when we got married!

Oh God is so good! We aren't out of the woods yet....prayerfully waiting for Wednesday! Hopefully it will be enough money!

Thank you Jesus for never forsaking us.

79 days and praying..

I am 79 days out until I have a boy as a roommate and 79 days until I become Lyndsey Meredith Williams. I will be the happiest girl in the WORLD in just 11 short weeks!

I am trying hard to rest in these short weeks. We are trying desperately to have fun in planning this wedding and enjoy the engagements period. Lately that has been extremely hard. We don't know what we are doing in July 3. (when we return from our honeymoon) We don't know where we will be living, where we will be working, or a lot of the time where I will graduate college from. We have been looking TIRELESSLY for jobs to no avail though. There have proved to be no opportunities in Brownwood (just as we suspected) and with the job we were placing hope on falling through, we are stuck! Our next move has become looking in Abilene for jobs and praying hard for something to come up. Ideally, if we move to Abilene, I will commute 3 times a week to HPU and do my internship in Abilene. It will make for a very busy semester and first year of marriage, but it'll be worth it.

Some people have said we are crazy for "rushing" the marriage. Some people don't quite understand why we didn't just wait another year to be married when school wouldn't hold me back. Well to that I say...God. There may be some selfish reasons thrown in there too. (Like changing my countdown from 79 to 444) But we know that God called us to be married this summer. Last summer we began praying (without anyone knowing mind you) that God would show us the time to be married. We felt like God answered when certain events and conversations took place with my family. We are confident that God has called us to be married June 26, 2010!

He is for us and we are confident in that. He will provide and job and an apartment in HIS timing. As for now we will continue to pray and seek and live in a way that honors him. I invite you to join us in praying as well.